Well, it's pinch punch, first day of the month, and it's raining. Ha!!
I have taken a daily routine which I see as very enriching ... I get up, I do my stretching for about an hour, I take my vitamin pill, do my make-up and eat breakfast. I only have 2 coffees maximum per day - I've found my energy levels are far better balanced, I tend to sleep a bit better, I'm focusing still on taking care of myself.
It's my second appointment at the Tavistock in London tomorrow, so it's up murderously early for a day in Belsize ... urgh, not relishing the idea of getting up at 5.15am but I must do my stretching and my make-up so I shan't complain. It's my shit, it's my problem. I saw the negative result of what happens when you wake up and don't stretch on my awful exam morning ... God. That was just awful.
Basically I had my sociology exam, or was meant to. I wasn't prepared at all, hadn't revised, really couldn't care less ... it's really not a good attitude to have taken and I'm a bit ashamed of the lack of prioritising I have taken in regards to the subjects I chose to give up at college. But this particular day, everything just seemed doomed for disaster from the start - for starters, it was raining, the first rainy day in about four of blazing sunshine. Pathetic fallacy, perhaps ... I was up and ready on time. I was out on time. I was all set to catch the 8.42 bus which would have got me there in time for the 9.30 exam.
Then what happens, but the driver DRIVES PAST THE STOP WITHOUT STOPPING - the first time this has ever happened at that particular bus stop, which is always teeming with people and isn't really an easy stop for drivers to ignore (it's very obvious and usually has several people sticking out their thumbs). I couldn't believe this hideous luck - hideous? I hadn't revised and was dreading the exam, plus my stomach felt really dodgy and I didn't feel at all well - and my mum happened to drive past and pick me up.
Basically we chased up the bus (crazy, I know). Missed the bus, missed the exam. I know the sensible thing would have been for my mum to have driven me, but she suffers from agoraphobia and suddenly being asked to drive long distances has a bad effect with her. I don't blame her at all, and (bless her) she felt terribly guilty about having failed to drive me. In the end I found another bus, caught it down, but got stuck in the horrific traffic at that time of day, pissing rain, excruciating stomach ... arrived at the college and dashed straight to the toilet, at which point I shall cease to give details. It wasn't pretty.
By this time I was feeling too ill and was too late to attend, so I didn't bother. I know I should feel bad about this, but part of me is certain that this was some kind of fate, this chain of events. It's just all so impossible because if that driver had picked me up the first time, I would have got there on time and done the exam with everyone else. It's just one of those things.
Anyway.
I'd better go.
Ant. x

Yes ... it's all tantalisingly improvement-tastic at the moment :)
Earlier today I had my interview at the Parkstone college .. the guys are decent, they really appreciated my work and I feel I was calm and presentable (though I tried a bit to make my misgivings such as my hurriedly prepared portfolio and slightly hesitant approach to college charming rather than careless). My only issues now lie in how to get there, seeing as I live a fair distance away, and probably won't make the 9 o' clock start given the amount of buses and trains I shall have to take .. I admit some of the problems are self-caused, such as my ridiculous amount of time that I take to get ready. Having all the time in the world with nothing to get up for, having late breakfast and spending hours on make-up are bad habits to get into, and I am aware that I'll have to give myself a good slapping and get back into routines of quick licks of paint and shovelling down my cereal at a far less than leisurely pace.
Speaking of food, I've done well at sticking to my 'enough calories' diet ... I read a rather eyebrow-raising article on how wheat could be a trigger to weight gain ... the article itself disgusted me, one of that breed of 'MAGAZINE DIETS' that really make you wish to gag, because I believe, having been there and done practically every extreme there is on those terms, the only sensible and soul-enriching way of helping these poor people who are desperate to lose weight to feel better about themselves, is good diet and exercise. There isn't really any other options that don't eventually lead to crashdowns (anyone that's heard the horror stories of those pathetic Alli tablets will agree). Although my current diet does not contain very much wheat, other than my breakfast cereal and a few Rakusens crackers now and again, I read that rye and rice options are far better for the stomach. This has actually proven to be true - Ryvita crispbreads (my ones of choice are the Dark Rye ones) tend to digest far easier. I've cut down on the caffeine as from today as well - I now treat myself to two strong Douwe Egberts in the mornings, and let that be that because coffee sends your moods all over the place too. I also recommend Redbush tea and green tea for eradicating the bloaty wheaty shite. It really does work.
ANYWAY. The weather has been stunning over the past few days and I have to say it's left me feeling great. I've been doing shit out of the house rather than just sitting around sucking on food and worrying about my life - I had a fantastic trip to the Isle of Wight on Saturday to watch the Waltzing Waters with my dad and had a blast, however didn't get home until one o' clock the following morning (not very good for my zen-style life of yoga stretching and early nights!!) to make up for it. Talking of which, it's getting quite late now ...
Sorry for all the drivel. I'd like to hear thoughts on the low-wheat diet plan, mind.
x

It always feels weird to have an afternoon snack (even if it's something absolutely miniscule like a tiny bowl of Kelloggs Bran Flakes) and have high energy levels all day. I'm used to having my 'crank period' - between lunch and dinner, where I sink down numerous Douwe Egberts coffees and nothing else. It's habitual, I suppose ... these slight nags of anorexic tendencies that I need to get rid of if I'm to uphold the happy, healthy and confident persona I have devised for the summer. I'm doing everything else right - the bright clothes, the bright make-up, the dancey summer anthems. Keeping myself out there, breathing the air as much as I can, taking my morning walk to get the paper every day, and doing half an hour yoga-style stretching exercise in the morning, which I've really taken to as it's keeping me toned, seemingly, and lifting my mood each day without burning too much because I don't want to lose any more weight.
I'm always looking back at 'myself last year' ... it's quite sad, really, that I haven't moved on. When I think about the amount I used to eat, and how that would have affected my energy levels, it's easy to see why I was a frustrated exercise addict. I ate too much, probably because I had been anorexic before and was terrified of ending up that way again, so I have to cut myself some slack. But whenever I let myself go, which seems to be strangely on-off recently, and then whip myself back on track, I feel annoyed that I DID let myself go. You know, the menu I've written out is brilliant - AND it includes the afternoon snack. So why the fuck should I feel guilty for it? Everything I eat is perfectly nutritious. Although my fitness levels and exercise regime aren't as stellar as they used to be, and my god I used to feel great when I was nine stone of muscle (NOTE TO SELF!! lol) and I need to get back to that. I have to remember, I have a gym membership and that won't go away. I often feel a bit upset that I'm still in the seven stone and a bit weight category because it doesn't reflect the healthy way that I want to live my life. But I'm giving things some time, making sure I do my stretches, my walks, just taking it easy for a bit. I don't want to have all that shit on my plate.
I suppose it's having so little else to concentrate on, as well. I remember last summer going almost stir crazy, with no friends to meet up with, nothing to motivate me, just sitting around reading books all day. I've got a habit of reading when I eat, which means I sometimes get distracted if the book is particularly good (and I've had a goldrush at the library recently) and can take way too long to eat things. This leads to a slight disordered tic where I take ages to eat ... I need to sort that out. I remember how, when I first recovered from anorexia, I struggled to find eating a 'normal' thing to do, I didn't know what speed to do it at, how to handle it, everything just tasted WEIRD to me ... things just slipped into place after a while and life carried on, and for awhile I think that was nice.
Nowadays I prefer to do things a bit healthier - for instance, I used to start the day with a massive bowl of cereal and two slices of toast slathered in jam. Not really great, but I had next to no nutritional knowledge whatsoever. I think it was when I first started to get a bit obsessive over the whole exercise thing, and when school ended, I had a load of free time and used to obsessively trawl the fitness websites online, reading about the content of food .. I think my parents rightly took that as a 'warning sign' that now I was AWARE of exactly how many calories were in that Heinz tomato soup (which is shockingly unhealthy, actually) I would start trying to starve myself again.
I don't want to do that again, because I've seen that it leads you essentially nowhere. My music is what really means the most to me, and that's been just shite recently due to lack of recording facilities, lack of real INSPIRATION ... maybe I am just not happy. I know my social life for a 17 year old is actually atrocious, I barely see anyone, friends or family. Just my folks, the people that work in the shop down the road, maybe if I go out and about but it's all strangers' faces, no one really that firm and familiar. I've turned into a loner since school ended - and it's going to take a lot of polyfiller to get in those cracks and fix myself up again. I'm working on it. I know I keep whining on about it and most likely boring everyone in the process, but I really want this. I want to be well again by the time college starts, I want to be exercising every day and eating all my gorgeous food. I want to feel good all day and NOT have the lunch-dinner energy dip, because above all it's probably not that good for my metabolism either. Speaking of which, I fancy a cup of green tea.
x

Had yet another dry weekend (apart from the weather, which decided to turn nasty coldy damp, and now the weekend is over, has decided to even out again) trying to keep positive but there is definite rotting routine beginning to set in .. get up, do make-up, eat cereal, get dressed, walk down the road to get newspaper for mum ..
Today's drama is the dreaded counselling appointment, for both me and my mum, at 3:30pm. Basically the whole day is spent trying not to shit yourself over it, quite literally today because I am worried at the weight I have lost. I have been lucky enough to have gotten away with telling my parents I am 7st 5lbs, when in reality my own scales are reading just under seven (though they have always had a tendency to underweigh slightly as they're crap scales). The last time the nurse weighed me I was an embarrassing 7 stone 1, mainly because I had reverted at the time to starving myself again... since, I've improved my dietary portions to a human and sensible amount, and am back to eating rice again. I don't think I look unhealthily thin, thin definitely, but it seems my body wants to stagnate at this weight. I haven't been to the gym at all, and I'm frightened that when they weigh me today my mum will be all 'you're thin! you've lost!!' and that'll be it for yet another month or so ..
I know you're all screaming, 'eat chocolate! eat cake, for fuck's sake!'. But I couldn't do that - I am not an anorexic, I am conscious of what I put into myself, and I don't like to think I am eating something un-nutritious. Fat is essential in the diet, sure, and I do eat small amounts of it - mainly due to increasing my portions, my fat intake will have automatically risen. I feel better treating myself well and proper. Nevertheless I have done a 'pile-up' today - deliberately not going for a number 2, drinking heaps of water before the app .. I suppose it is because I feel I have control, and I'm not just saying that to cover up for an eating disorder. I just don't want annoying statistics worrying my mother because I know how much she frets over things. She'll cling to it like a safety ring in the Mississippi. This is why I bloody hate these apps and so does she - she dreads seeing them, because she feels they try and pressure her into going to 'group meetings', when she has agoraphobia, etc. I can see their point of view, and I can see that she really needs to start expanding her life - basically she just stays indoors all the time unless it's something we absolutely NEED to go out for (food shopping, mainly). In a way, it's good that we have so many problems because then my weight isn't the main focus - I'm past depressing myself over it and bingeing on ridiculous quantities of food, then feeling sick and depressed and angry because of what I have done. I eat sensibly, but I'm trying to make sure I don't succumb to 'anorexic tendencies' - like when you think, ah maybe I won't bother with an afternoon snack today seeing as it's so close to dinner ... or, this particular brand of cereal is quite calorific, maybe I'll have a bit less ... you need to eat. I've seen the very worst of where not eating leads you, and it's shit. You feel shit, you look shit, and everyone is worried about you.
Having said that, I'm prepared to soldier on with the diet I have constructed for myself because I feel good on it, I have heaps more energy than I used to, my skin, hair and nails all look better. I've stopped biting my nails. I just have to get past this shitty appointment. Ant. x

I thought I'd got over this silly thing of 'am I too thin to gym - should I go back without my parents knowing - am I too embarrassed to go back'. Basically I arranged a fake arrangement earlier that I was meeting my 'friends' in town ... the truth is, I don't really have people I go out meeting with, not often. That gym used to be my whole social life, like I used to attend about half my college lectures and the rest I would bunk to go there. I liked it all .. the atmosphere, the exercise, the lovely people. My family are SOCIOPHOBES. We don't ever socialise and hence it was good for me. I always feel better about myself when I've been more active, I feel less depressed and more alive, but just when I've started to rescue the 7 stone teetering on the edge situation and have started eating healthily but more sensible amounts, is it wise to go back and burn down again?
I've cancelled the 'arrangement' ... the truth is, my body feels too weak to exercise. Not really as weak as it has been, but my shape means that I am really quite skeletal on my top half, so I feel cold and shivery a lot, and I just don't know. I know it isn't on to lie to my parents either, despite the fact that the membership is still taking 25 quid a month out of my dad's account, and nobody's using it. I'm tempted to go back because I've left it such a ridiculously long time, as well as the fact I still have the book I borrowed from one of the ladies ages ago that I need to return. I've had my head screwed on for the past week, trying to regain the weight through my diet and get some energy back, but I don't know if I'm quite ready for it. I don't have the right clothes either - I can't sneak leggings and trainers out of the house, and whether or not the trainers I left specially at the gym are still there is a question only god knows the answer to. I think my best option until my bones are a bit better covered (even my dad commented this morning after seeing me run to the bus that I look 'thinner, if anything') before even mentioning the gym, because I am busted if they ask to weigh me and I am still only roundabout 7 stone. I need to be concentrating on creating things right now, I think. It's freezing outside as well. Perhaps I'll stick to dancing in my room for a bit of feelgood fitness for the minute - note to self, it feels much better to have a bit of weight on you. It's so frustrating being this weight, like the mind is willing to exercise and feel fit and in control, but it's like dragging a weak, bandy, snivelling sack of a body around. Ah well. Dwelling never got anything done .. I'm trying to keep my head above the waters of depression and not wallowing in 'old photos, old music, oh woe when I used to eat like a human being and exercise like a maniac and had friends'. That lifestyle was wonderful while it lasted, but a number of factors make it presently impossible to relive. So I have to deal with it and make small steps. I will not be beaten, I am sure of that. I am strong, and wise enough to be an adult about this and say that the nurse is most likely right when she says I need something on me to tone before I go in for the kill. All I want is to feel fit and healthy!! I've felt so much healthier for eating better, my face looks better, I feel more alert and energetic ... things are getting better, but maybe I won't dive straight in and undo everything. I'll do it properly this time. Ant. x

It's really been hitting me in bursts over the last few days just how ill I have been. I'm annoyed at myself, undeniably, for having slipped back into my eating disorder. The problem was that I had become accustomed to too much exercise - this time, I aim to reincarnate myself as somebody who eats healthy food, eats enough food, and tones up at a proper gym rather than torturing myself in my room, doing obsessive aerobics that I cannot have enjoyed because I ended up in pain, taking paracetamols to fuel my fitness addiction, and completely miserable and not healthy at all.
Today I met up with Seb Foreman, a fellow transman, in Christchurch - Seb if you're reading this, I hope the date went well!! It was great chatting to someone else with similar problems, issues and fears when it comes to life in general, and I'm very glad I met up with you. :)
I found the old photos and will hence upload them here!
I have won against the anorexia this afternoon and have made sure I had my 3:30pm snack of cornflakes and a handful of Rice Krispies Multigrain shapes. I also made a lovely discovery last night of 'Jasmine Green Tea' - the most lovely drink you will ever taste. I am a boy determined to get myself out of this ridiculous food-obsessed rut and try and get some form of concentration over my life, because life itself is SHORT. I've done it once, I've got totally over it. Why is it I cannot do it again? I hate sitting around feeling lazy, now I have all this energy. I think it's lovely that my parents seem so happy that I am healthy, and I want to be healthy so I can get my confidence back, seeing as I lost such a hell of a lot of it when I was scrabbling at tiny portions of nothing and constantly panicking myself over calories, trying to find ways of being 'someone that doesn't eat much', etc, etc. It's bollocks. Looking at these photos, I thought I was horribly obese at the time (I'm about 12 in these) when the truth was, I was a chubby kid no doubt, but not what I would describe as fat. And anyone that says so, fuck you. But here they are, nonetheless.

Tried to upload some REALLY old photos my mum dug out in her drawers .. the never before seen truth of what I used to look like aged 12/13!! Totally unpublished online.. unfortunately my scanner has decided to fuck itself over so I'll have to wait for my dad to come in and sort it out, then I can shove em on here. :)
Have come to the realisation that without realising it, I had yet again slipped properly into a restrictive eating disorder. I have written out a proper, healthy menu and aim to stick at it. Yesterday's nurse's app did not go well at all, and I was embarrassed enough by my 8lb weight loss that I lied that I had been 'ill with dihorrhea', and tried to blame the loss on that. Whether or not she believed me, I don't know, but I reckon they're suspicious of a relapse. I haven't been looking too well recently, but since I've pledged to improve my diet, the atmosphere at home has totally changed - when I am happier, giving myself some self respect and feeling better about myself, everyone else brightens up because I suppose it's a lot off their minds too. You people are probably bored to death reading this same crap. I am not self-obsessed, just a bit bored and seventeen!
I know really at the back of my mind that what will make me happy is to feel that I am eating healthily, and enough, and doing my daily exercise as I used to. I really forgot how much energy accounts for improving mood and quality of life - I ate rice again for the first time in ages a couple of days ago and went out for 'evening walkies' with my dad, something we used to do all last summer, getting on the bus and going for strolls round Bournemouth Gardens. I want to be healthy to enjoy my life, because why shouldn't I? Being transsexual does not stop me being a valuable human being. I had my shit together this time last year and I felt SO much better for it, and I'm sick of beating round the bush and fighting this pathetic eating disorder. I want to put it behind me again and concentrate on getting better, getting back at my gym, getting fit and strong and just getting some focus on the things that have been slipping due to my own personal preoccupation with worrying over calories (e.g. MY MUSIC!!). Of course I've had a lot of reasons to have relapsed over the winter - it was the same time of year as I had been severely anorexic before, so everything over xmas felt kinda 'samey'. I lost contact with my schoolfriends, college was miserable, I made the fatal decision to stop exercising and stop eating, thus making me wasted and unfit. This decision was because I had fallen into the trap of anorexia athletica, getting obsessive over fitness rather than starvation this time. I am determined just to lead a healthy life this time, for myself and my own well being as well as everyone else round me, blah blah blah.
What worried me is that I looked at the photos of myself at 12/13, when I was already a young TS very concerned with my weight. I was perhaps a little chubby but very much normal sized, though I insisted on going on constant diets, my weight was a real problem for me, I felt crap about myself. To my eyes, I looked 'fat'. As an anorexic last year, I was shown these photos of myself and couldn't believe how 'fat' I used to be.. now I just look at it and I think - you were healthy, perhaps unfit and that was where I had been going wrong, but you were happier and had more of a life than the shivering 7 stone wreck you are at the moment, cold with no energy and persistant mugs of black coffee (Still a habit I can't kick, mind!).
Recovery here I come..
Ant. x

I'm getting there ..
I am actually getting there. It feels like the monkey on my shoulder is finally getting some well-deserved whipping. I've sorted out my diet this morning, have improved portion sizes and have re-introduced some good and wholesome stuff that I had been neglecting (e.g. brown rice, Quorn balls). I aim to produce a very healthy diet which may not foray into bread or pasta (both of which still make me a bit nervous), but which provide me with enough energy to concentrate, to do my music because that is what I am here for. That is my MOTIVATION. And what is the point of depressing yourself with stupid eating disorders that you really thought you'd fought off months ago, when you can eat food like a human being and exercise like a human being and really feel great about yourself and your body? Not to mention the atmosphere at home lifts whenever I get better - it's like an invisible black fog, anorexia, that creeps up the walls when she returns. It's clear in the way the candles burn, the way the music wails, that it's all a falsely created environment to try and mask her presence.
No more.
I have had enough and I want a nice summer, like last summer, not one spent depressing myself over calories, starving away. I weighed myself this morning and am now just under seven stone, which is ABSOLUTELY not good enough, not to mention I have a nurse's app tomorrow and she will undoubtedly weigh me, ask about my progress, and notice I have got thinner since my last visit. In fact, I do believe I even lied to her on the last visit and told her I was eating 'carbohydrates' - yeah, right! She is a lovely lady as well, and I feel guilty. I do not want to hurt my parents, and I'm not going to put them through all that shit again, and what's more, I'm doing this for ME because I'm sick and tired of looking too thin, feeling cold and bony, overly restricted, just not looking after myself properly and not being healthy. It really does make all the difference to how you feel and look, and to other people's lives as well. My parents have enough on their plates without all this pathetic food problem going on as well. I want no more of it, and that is final. ANTOHNEY WINS.
Kicking college has been a good boost for me as well, because I was anorexic over the winter pretty much the entire time I was there. The courses were not for me, and whenever I was there I had nobody watching what I ate, so I was getting away with throwing lunch away. I needed to eradicate all temptation to starve myself because I am WORTH feeding, and I do not deserve it. I've been down since I've been unable to record my music as well; I've had technical difficulties and so my youtube updating has been crap on top of all of this (in case any of you don't know, my account is: www.youtube.com/antohneybrodetsky).
I need another rejuvination, another rebirth, a new self and a better, healthier identity so that I can have the energy to do things, feel good AND create. What's more, I need a better social life but one thing needs dealing with at a time, and I really do believe I can fight it this time. Slowly, and maybe with not as much swing as the first time (but having said that, I was REALLY working from scratch then as I hadn't eaten anything for a good two or three months, so even the physical process of eating was hard) but my weight is low enough for me to be scared now. My thought processes were beginning to frighten and depress me, and I wanted to kill myself. I'm just not having it any more, I'm NOT NOT NOT going to be killed by some stupid disorder that is in my head and does not exist.
VIVA TO LIFE!
x

Yesterday I made the big decision to jack in college, and do you know what?
It feels fantastic.
I feel like I have been set free from a half-hearted slog, although I was riddled with guilt and fully expecting the ranting and raving I got from my dad (he is now giving me the silent treatment). I am more mature than to slag off my own parents online, but I have to say that I have given up caring if he has a problem with my decision - this is my life, and I would rather be spending my spare time building up my portfolio for September so I can apply for my art and design course. I feel invigorated and motivated to do the work, and haven't been sitting around dossing and doing nothing, because it is simply not my nature to do so. I feel very much like I have made the right decision and am feeling happier and more secure within myself. I'm hoping that with time I can return to the strong person I used to be, and maybe improve my eating and build myself back up again because I've really gone downhill, looking at old pictures of myself. I can see that my dad's heart must break because I'm no longer the fit and healthy person who used to argue over who had the biggest half of pizza (I no longer touch pizza, and I don't think he can bring himself to buy it anymore for this reason).
I know he loves me really - he just has difficulty understanding my decisions. Admittedly I can seem a bit 'two-faced' to my parents - I feel I can whine about things and be more open with my mum because I know that, 9/10 times she will agree with whatever I say. My dad is more conservative and regimental because he works in a school, and so probably values education. Don't get me wrong, I'm fully aware that some people's opinion will be that I am throwing away the grades I could have achieved, but realistically speaking, this essay was meant to be due in today, and I didn't understand any of what I had to do. I had missed far too many of the lectures because I felt ill and lonely and miserable, instead bunking off on bus journeys on my own, which let me tell you, is NOT good for the soul. I just want to forget all the horrible winter months and get back to being as strong as I was before. It's just going to take a lot of time, you know?
This time of year makes my heart ache for last year, when I used to sit in the garden and read after working out, or feed my morning toast crusts to the cat next door that used to visit each morning without fail. I am still very much someone battling this inherent disease and I am aware of it, I am controlling it and making sure I try to eat. I don't like to stress people out and I don't like stressing myself out, but I have found that spending my days walking, dancing, playing music, reading, and drawing really helps me build up some self respect, and self identity, because these are the things I enjoy and am good at. I don't want to waste my time on brilliant courses for brilliant laureates - not brilliant artists. My soul needs to be creating to feel alive.
I feel my decision has been a positive one.
Ant. x

Tonight I was faced with a dilemma after returning to college. Either I do the work, grit my teeth and get on with it, or I give up now. The essay is due in tomorrow, I have done none of it, and to be honest I just don't care about it. I feel bad because my dad especially wants me to get the year cleared so I havent been wasting my time, but then, I already HAVE the qualifications I need to start my art course in September, and think myself it would be a better use of my time to spend my days building my portfolio so I can actually get in this time and do something worth my while, rather than travelling to and fro to get to a pointless course that I hate attending, gain little or nothing from, and consequently is depressing and boring me.
I've already suffered an immense decline in charatcer since school ended, what with losing the relationships I had with my peers, getting lonely, not knowing where I'd be going for college, and ending up with a disappointing second choice college when I had been geared up to go to the Arts University (I lost out by a hair's width to someone from Brazil who was, admittedly, amazing). I don't really see what good it is doing anyone, dragging myself in to this course. The only thing I can see coming from it is that it makes sense to finish the year, maybe not do the work, just as something to do.
I really dont know what to do - do I carry on, depressed and not eating and bored and lonely just to please people at home, or do I jack it in and get drawing? I've always been someone that likes to keep the peace, and believe me doing so in MY house is a hell of a challenge. I don't know whether a D in English and Sociology is better than having nothing at all. I'm just fed up of feeling so worried and lonely all the time. My eating disorder is not great - I've gone back to doing what I was doing over the winter, throwing away my lunches and just eating fruit instead. This behaviour back then resulted in nearly 3 stone of weight loss, and this worries me. I just can't control it - it is my way of concentrating. I've always been far more focused on shit when I'm not eating. I noticed that at school when I first started recovering, I just absolutely COULD NOT concentrate on anything because I was buzzing from the energy levels. I know self-starvation gets you nowhere, and people must be reading this and wondering why I don't just learn my lesson and get the fuck over myself, and I can completely understand your thinking, in fact, I agree with you!! I think I am very stupid in that respect, but I just don't feel very secure at the moment, and going to bed hungry makes me sleep better, concentrate harder and ... I dont know. I don't want to end up ill again, and I'm hoping that changing my college courses will improve everything.
Ant. x